Pros And Cons Of "shrinking"

[Guest tearose]

I have never done therapy. I did consult with a psychologist to be sure I wasn't in denial, to be sure I wasn't depressed and to be sure I wasn't suffering any mental illness. I was given encouragement to keep on as I was doing since it was good, and that was that.

How does therapy differ from having a serious heart to heart with someone very close? I have a wonderful husband and one very dear close girlfriend and have also a shelf of self-help and philosophical/spiritual books to meditate with. I also cannot undervalue my prayerful life in my way of reaching out to the Divine for the strength, grace and wisdom I need to live. I have also gathered strength from my family here!

Poetically speaking, I have been to the depths of the darkest potshole and to the top of the mountain at sunrise, I have dug my way up and out and have learned how to fly and survive the next crash and do it all over again...that is the nature of our disorder. I may be a getting a little older and it takes longer for my bruised body to heal, but I feel stronger spiritually and blessed overall.

I take nothing for granted anymore.

I'm just wondering if I may be missing out on a different perspective?

Do people seek therapists for dealing with the rough times or just for living every day life?

curiously,

tearose

[ironsc]

Tearose,

In my experiences from the distant past, when I did employ a therapist in my teenage years to help cope, they can sometimes be of great help and wonderful steping stones to greater things. However, the service they offer (again, in my experiences) cannot compare to the support of family and friends, but they help expedite that connection with them, or create it when absent. Therapy, from my perspective, is a wonderful tool to help get through rough times by using a person who has a wealth of experience, knowledge, and/or wisdom.

My therapy sessions were about teaching myself and my family how to emotionally support each other, and how to help one another cope. This is something that will usually naturally blossom in a friendship and family, but she gave it a nudge (and kick) in the right direction.

She also provided me with activities to help balanced out my life in all aspects, and taught me how to focus on the good things of all situations. Again, this is all something we can learn on our own (with lots of trial and error!), but her kick-in-the-pants helped me learn it quicker.

I only visited her for a couple months. She was a firm believer in "teaching a person to fish", and left me with the knowledge and wisdom to help find the light in dark places (even though I still stub my toe a couple times on the way there).

Therapy is like... visiting a trusted friend who has a knack for listening, lots of nifty pearls of wisdom, and a wealth of knowledge in psychology/sociology.

Best wishes,

Cam

[Sophia3]

Personally I kind of deal on my own. I read "self help books" back in the day before they were so popular and took up 1/4 of the bookstores!!

i read about anatomy, the brain and mental illness...wanted to make sure like you, I wasn't in denial or depressed.

I can look in the mirror and see my own faults and my strong points. I don't play games or beat around the bush. I have never been one to ignore the 600 lb gorilla/elephant in the room.

Personally, I have sought out a therapist when in a family crisis... when I thought a couple of siblings were letting me down in a MOST PAINFUL situation i can't even talk about in under 20 words here...come to find out, they were not letting me down but often came across dismissive as I was CLOSER to the situation. They were not good at letting me deal or talk about things in the manner I needed.

the therapist I saw had treated a person I knew years earlier so we had some background together. She told me my way of thinking, especially addressing "my reality of said situation" was healthy and confirmed any self doubt. At the time, when sinking in a black hole, I needed SOMEBODY NEUTRAL. She had me go to a group a couple times a month (Free)of women who I later realized, and she admitted were "sicker than me!!". She just thought I might meet somebody or enjoy the interaction. But I found a few nice but too needy.... Women who felt they had to be people pleasers even in middle to late ages.

I finally stopped going to the group and later the therapist, when my life changing decision was made. I see therapy as common sense. But my therapist said "Sophia, not EVERY BODY HAS YOUR COMMON sense, or I would be out of a job!!"

So to make a short story way too long, if you FEEL the need to try a therapist (make sure it's a good one and one you click with) there must be a reason, maybe.

I only saw mine less than 12 times in private or with the group. the group met at a hospital and one of the therapist in the 4 women doctor group, chaired these meetings.

I say to each his own but sometimes, no matter how smart and strong we are, we DO NEED an outside source, to see face to face, eye to eye, and hear another human voice.

Something you can't get from online support groups. But for more superficial stuff, I think online groups are great, or to run medical stuff by...like the quirky weirdness of dysautonomia stuff.

Good luck in your decision making.

[mkoven]

There are lots of different kinds of therapists and approaches, depending on your goals.

Cognitive behavioral is often useful for people with chronic health stuff, as it very concretely helps you identify ways of thinking that might be making life harder than necessary, and then pushes you to develop new ways of thinking. For example, I had this type of therapy for chronic pain, and it was really helpful. Whenever I'd have a flare, I would sink and worry that it would always be that bad. And then this would only make everything worse. So it helped me short-circuit my less-than-productive ways of dealing with real physical problems. It's really hard to be sick for anyone, and sometimes it's helpful to learn better ways of managing an objectively bad situation. I was never told that it was "all in my head."

There's also the more psychodynamic/psychoanalytic that helps you address how issues you currently wrestle with resonate with difficulties in earlier life. Similarly, the goal is to learn how you might be repeating previously painful experiences in the present, often through your relationship with the therapist. (This is the type of therapy that gets the most play in hollywood.) And then there are many, many other approaches.

What's really important is to have a good connection with someone you trust. If you're considering this, you might even want to interview a couple people to learn what their approach is and see if it sounds like it might help and you would click. If you don't want to pay for a session, maybe someone would let you talk with them for ten minutes on the phone to get a sense of how they view therapy, and if their approach is compatible with what you want.

and then there's the question of what your insurance will cover.

In terms of what therapy can do differently from friends and family-- I guess I think of it this way. Friends and family are really important, but they will always have their own needs and limits. And sometimes you have needs and wants and there's no room for them--because people are busy, or because what you want pushes some button for them, etc. Sometimes it's nice to have a space that's entirely about you. It gives you more room to figure out what's going on, what you want, need, separate from the sometimes complicated dynamics in other relationships. A good therapist will give you that room. i think of it a space to really figure out what I want in life, what I may be doing to get in my own way, and how to get out of my way, if that makes sense. (I'm also someone who likes to talk and think about what everything means.)

[Guest tearose]

You folks give me interesting things to think about, thank you.

? I am going to ask myself, things like is there any thing I haven't worked out already?

Do I need any new coping skills or strategies?

I am too tired to do any more deep thinking tonight though so , I'll sleep on your words about your experiences and do my followup thoughts with you tomorrow.

thanks again,

best regards,

tearose

[MightyMouse]

Ditto to Mkoven's words on this topic.

I used therapy to help me through when things were so difficult, and I knew Teri's plate was as full as mine and we were both struggling with our own "demons"--therapy gave me a neutral person to vent to, to work through my issues with, and when necessary, to have my back when I had to talk over difficult issue that dealt with my home life. I never did need to bring T in with me, as the work we did in the office prepared me enough to "go it alone."

BTW, many therapists will work on a sliding scale. When I went the first time, I was only making 13K a year, which left me nothing for co-pays. They accepted my insurance as pmt in full. A few years later, when I got a raise, I paid 15$ a visit. I went b/c I thought I was depressed (which we now know was exhaustion), but then I kept going to help me work through family issues (at the time I was not in contact with most of my immediate family, except my sisters). Once I met the goals I'd set with my therapist, we mutually agreed that I wasn't in need of that type of service any longer. Now that I'm back in contact with all of my family, I've considered going back to do some of the cognitive behavioral work to help me better deal with the emotions being around my family brings up.

However, if my health were really getting me down, I wouldn't hesitate to go to someone specializing in chronic illness. I'm not a big fan of talk therapy without explicit goals to be worked on--but some people do great with that free-form kind of work. I"m just not one of them.

Nina

[shelby]

I once read a quote about therapy, and men sorry about this, but it said "Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It is kinda like a guy on a first date."

I have to say that I love therapy. It is so nice to have somone give you feedback on the things that you are doing in your life. I do however think that finding the right counselor is the key. If you do not feel like you have a repor with a certain counselor then you should look for another one. Dont worry about hurting their feelings, it is the one time that being selfish and finding what suits you is very important. It is like shopping for a new pair of pants, you wouldn't buy the wrong size hoping you would fit into them...eventually.

The funny thing is that my therapist thinks I should go back to school to be a therapist myself, but I dont think I would be very sympathetic, I would be like "and you think you have problems you should listen to mine."

Hope that helps a little or at least you got a laugh today.

Shelby

[Ernie]

Hi,

There is a big difference friends and psychologists. A psychologist has a least a Masters in Psychology and is there to listen to your problems and your needs and mirror who you are. They have different techniques to help you through your difficulties.

Friends are there to share are special relationship but rarely do they have knowledge about psychology. Most of the time they are like you and will not see your weakness as a psychologist will see them. They are biased.

[lorrie]

I had a good experience with a psychologist and a VERY bad experience with another. The good experience was a kind lady who I sought out after years of infertility and she let me say all the things I had bottled up about that. It helped me to have a person to listen that was not so closely involved. Turns out she ended up writing a wonderful letter for me when I turned to adoption and actually had a hand in us getting our daughter.

The bad experience was with a guy that was suppose to conduct Neuro-psychological testing on me to satisfy the doctor from Vanderbilt who insisted all my passing out was due to stress. He popped in the room and began to hook me to a machine...he had not spoken a word until he told me to answer the questions on the computer in front of me. I had to endure 6 visits with him and each time he would say "You are too young to be this easily confused...did you struggle in school?" NO...I DID NOT struggle in school. I made A's and B's and have taught school for many years.

He was rude and non-caring and at the last session, he simply said "Well, that is over and I think you have adult ADD." I couldn't get out of that office fast enough.

This all being said, I think it depends on why you seek a therapist and if you "click" with them if they help or not.

Added note: Vanderbilt has some great doctors...I just didn't happen to have one of them.

[yogini]

Tea,

I also totally agree with what mkoven said. I just wanted to add that therapists are trained to pick up on things that your friends cannot. And, more importantly, they can be honest and forthright with you in a way that your friends cannot and maybe even in a way that you cannot be with yourself.

And a good therapist has probably worked with other chronically ill patients and can empathize better, even if he or she isn't sick. Working with a therapist has helped me learn how to continue to grow and live my life within my limitations.

[pat57]

I think the knowledge of emotional issues,coping mechanisms, maladjustments, consequences of abuse ,stress , neglect and more -are

indispensable. Also having an objective listener makes them believable. What I mean is ,they have no agendas or needs of their own that

skew their observations.

[Maxine]

Talking with a TRUSTED friend who won't dismiss the seriousness of your illness, and what it can do to you emotionally is great support. However, if you have some serious complications with your health, and it's really taking a toll on you emotionally, I think it's best to talk with a professional therapist to help validate, support, and offer coping skills to get you through it. A cascade of problems can result from a chronic illness that is not well understood by the medical community, or general society.

Sometimes we have too much going on, and not even the most loyal friend can help.

My sister in law is a psychologist, and she recommended a friend of hers to me when I was sinking pretty low when I first crashed hard with my POTS. Through the years, I have gone to her, and another psychologist who specializes in chronic illness on and off as I have needed them. Some of my family do not support my husband and I, and we never had anyone offer their help------(not even when I had major surgery on my cervical spine). I'm thankful for a couple of family members who try to understand, but when the chips were down, they still didn't offer any kind of help.

On my husband's side of the family one of his sisters brought over a meal for us when I had my surgery. Most of the time I struggle just to get family and friends to believe me. Some of my husband's friends are supportive and understanding, as they welcome us to functions whenever we can make it, and don't get upset when we can't. My husband's family does offer their help from time to time.

A lot of things can happen due to being chronically ill, not to mention learning to cope with all the limitations, doctors visits, pain, and cruel people who thrive on knocking you down------even when your feeling your lowest already. Then you have the antics of the medical profession, and a seemingly endless amount of obtuse people in the medical profession. If it wasn't for the help of a psychologist I would still be in denial about how cruel a couple of my family members can be, and when I was verbally attacked by a medical professional I would have caved in.

Not only do we have to deal with a chronic illness that many have never heard of, but we have to deal with a dismissive, and sometimes cruel medical society. There's even times when we suffer the consequences of medical errors because of ignorance, or just blatant arrogance and dimissiveness.

There are other times I can cope on my own, or rely on a good friend for some support. I think we need to recognise when we need professional help, as it does make things easier-----------and helps us hold on to our marbles.

Maxine :0)

[Tammy]

Well, first thing is are you well enough to tolerate sitting in an office for an hour? If not, this might not be an option at this time. But if you are well enough to drive yourself to appointments and can sit upright long enough to counsil with them, than go for it. Sometimes I need to talk to someone about this hellish illness, but I'm too sick to access an outlet, so that's why I pray

Take care

[mkoven]

Although I'm sure most therapists would let you lie on the floor or couch. I also have had phone sessions.

[DancingLight]

Tea,

I know you didn't mean it this way, but I really think using the term 'shrinking' sends a very negative connotation to something that is as crucial and important to our well being as getting good medical care. Good psychological care can be so crucial in coping with chronic illness.

Therapy has been discussed here many, many times on the board and folks have shared their experiences. I would definitely do a search. It has been hugely valuable to many folks here.

I am a big fan of therapy--however, I echo what others have said: 1. you must find the TYPE of therapy that works for you, and 2. you must find a THERAPIST that works for you. We have to click with the person AND his/her methods.

I echo Ernie and others also who state that the role of a therapist is very, very different than that of a friend or close family. We face situations in life, such as chronic illness, death of a loved one, etc. that sometimes requires expertise and coping strategies that our friends don't know or have the capabilities to offer, not because they don't care, but because they don't have the skills required for such life circumstances.

A good therapist can help us to do so many things--see our role in relationshiops, cope with certain problems or struggles, learn to better ask for what we need, etc. etc. I have incredibly supportive friends, but we all also know that there are things that are beyond our ability to help each other with. And also, it is sometimes too much to ask them to take on what we are going through. For example, I can support my best friend as her mother is dying from terminal cancer, but a therapist is crucial in helping her to make decisions, come up with strategies for dealing with family members, her mother, and simply taking care of herself. It's important for me to remain her FRIEND, not her therapist. The two have very distinct and separate roles.

I have noticed from your posts that you are struggling, and I do hope that you will seek out therapy and a kind listening ear. Ask around for recommendations. Talk to others about what type of therapy they have done and what works. You'll quickly find out which therapists in town are known for doing a good job and those who are not!

Best,

Emily

[Guest tearose]

Thank you for your impressions folks. I think my method is working so I shall continue being me and sharing with my dearest loved ones.

It is good to see what worked for those of you who had experiences with therapists and it seems like it helped especially when there was a different or new approach or outlook that was undiscovered until then.

It reinforces how important sharing intimately with a very honest trusted person is in our lives.

(Emily, I was using the shrink term bouncing off from someone else's post. It is simply a commonly used lightly used term that was/is used with no negative connotation. No offense was intended and I won't use it in the future to be sensitive to those feelings you have.

You make a wrong assumption emily, I am not struggling. I am curious. I am more clear on so many levels, more than I have been in years.)

best regards,

tearose

[corina]

hi tearose,

since i am in rehab i am seeing a social worker. he is a very nice guy and helps me a lot in finding what i need to have a better quality of life. we do paperwork together to make arrangements for me to be able to go out by taxi and he helps me finding new ways to be able to pay a housekeepr (our government has raised the prices so drastically that i had to give up the one i had as i couldn't pay for it anymore). very practical things and very helpful. we also talk about how i'm dealing with chroic illness and he really does open my eyes at times. he shows me where i am, whcih is very far from where i want to be but he makes me see it which i really needed! i like the way he shows me and then after discussing it i can understand what and why i have to change my attitude towards being chronically ill. i can't give a clear example (way to much brain fog right now) but i wanted to let you know that although i've worked with a haptonomist (my favourite therapy) and a psychologist before, i really like working with this social worker. he gives me much more than i expected!!!

take care of yourself,

corina : )

[DancingLight]

corina,

i think that was a great perspective you gave, even with your brain fog!

i think chronic illness is such an incredilby life changing experience--one that most individuals do not experience early in life as we have...so it is helpful to have support to help us to adapt and change. our dreams are often shattered in ways we never expected and others our age our living out their lives in ways we had hoped we would be living ours.

chronic illness is a life-changing event for not only ourselves, but all of our family and friends.

i am glad to hear you have such a great team helping you with the rehab--what a great holisitc approach.

emily

[morgan617]

I personally believe that altough it is crucial to have good friends and family to talk to, the problem of being too close and therefore being able to be objective and non biased is much more difficult.

While I am verylucky to have a supportive family, my therapist is actually the one that helps me untangle the strings of my discordant life without any judgement or emotional baggage to interfere.

My son was going through a really awful time several years ago and I realized I loved him too much to help him. He needed someone that could sit back and look at the circumstances in a way I never could. He helped my son more than I ever could have, because I just wanted to "fix" everything and couldn't, and sometimes that just makes things worse.

I believe therapists are invaluable to people struggling, but I will reiterate what everyone else has said. You sometimes have to shop a bit to find the one you click with. I have been going to mine off and on for 15 or so years and she has saved me more times than I care to count. Even my hubs has called her on occasion, when he has realized she is better for me than he is.

And for reasons that are just plain old annoying, when ever a doctor questions me, I can truthfully say, I have a great therapist and she says that is NOT the problem, so stick it up your pipe and smoke it. It's a bit difficult for a doctor to tell you you just need "help" when you are already getting it.....best of luck whatever you decide sweetie! morgan